When coaching clients on getting an ex back, I often see cases when women give mixed signals to their men. In turn, men often don’t understand what to expect and which course their relationship may take. Would she come back for good and in forgiveness or leave forever? Would the volatility of her emotions possibly continue at the same time?

Here are some typical examples of mixed signals and female contradictory behavior:

• When you pay a lot of attention to her, she begins to pull back and doesn’t want to communicate with you. When you stop texting her, she begins to actively engage in writing or calling you.
• The ex becomes very active when she sees that you’re communicating with other women.
• The woman is ready to communicate with you and spend time together. She calls and texts, but at the same time keeps you away sexually or intimately.
• The woman initiates the first move, but then she pulls away. Sex may be a part of your relationship sometimes. For example, an ex can be jealous and more physical at this moment to remain close or in control. And then when the emotions of jealousy subside, she may become alienated, recalling other disadvantages in the relationship with the man.
• You may have a great time with a woman, but old insults arise sometimes, which can make her angry and aggressive. She freaks out, pushes you away, and doesn’t want to get closer. Women often say many offensive words during such moments.

The reason for that wavering is the presence of strong internal conflicts in the woman’s head at the stage of breaking up, separation or divorce. For example, a girl wants to lose weight to look attractive. But, at the same time, good food or sweets lure her constantly. Then she smells delicious and magnificent desserts when passing by the cafeteria, and it makes her give up on her diet and overeat. After overeating, she tends to feel guilty about her body, reproach herself for a long time, and go on a diet again. After that, she’ll either endure till the end or give up again.

Something similar happens at this stage of a relationship. A woman aims for one thing, but her emotions may lead her into a completely different direction. At some point, her emotions begin to weigh her down, so she commits acts that can be interpreted as leaving forever or abruptly may decide to come back. But after a certain time, she rushes to the other side again.

At that moment, most men clutch their heads and ask themselves: “What is it exactly that women want?” Moreover, women love to voice their emotions using pompous words.

For example, when a woman experiences a very strong attraction, she may dramatically proclaim: “I will always love you! We’ll be together forever! You’re the best man in the world! You’re the only one who makes me truly happy!”

These unconditionally pleasant words are only a description of her emotions at a particular moment in time. Men generally perceive this information logically and literally and make wrong conclusions. For example, if a woman said that she’d always love you, then this should be “always” from the logical point of view. If her emotions change, then the phrases she may utter will change, as well. And her temperament can swing the other way in a few months, days, or even hours! It all depends on the strength of the emotions she experiences.

Conversely, when she says: “I hate you. My feeling for you is gone. I don’t love you anymore. We’ll never be together again”— these words reflect her emotions at this particular moment. They shouldn’t be taken literally. If emotions she experiences change, then she may begin to say other things.

Now let’s go on. What she says is far from always coinciding with all her emotions and feelings that she experiences. For example, she may say that you’ll never be together. However, at the same time, she’ll desperately miss you, check your social media, ask common friends about you, call, text, and request meetings.

I recommend that you focus more on her actions and less on words when trying to get her back at this stage. The main goal is to regain the relationship so that you can have a great time, and not hear the words that would make you relax.

Here is an example of a student I consulted who had spent time with his ex drinking alcohol and kissing one night. Until that night, the young man, let us name him James, was unsuccessful in trying to get his beloved back for several months. One day, when he was in that perfect combination of mood and emotions, the girl confessed to James her love, talked about how handsome he is, and that she wanted to have children with him.

James was simply inspired by happiness, and instead of doing what was necessary according to the plan, he relaxed and reveled in her sweet speeches. In this case, it was important for him to have sex with her to increase the chances of rebuilding the relationship. The fact is that when a woman swings from side to side and there is a chance to have sex with her, then something clicks in her mind and the man becomes closer to her. This intimacy doesn’t always clearly indicate that the relationship has returned to its previous course. However, it offers an important step for a woman, which can be a good foundation for a final reunion.

Something similar happens at the dating stage. Often, but not always, you may notice that after having sex, a woman begins to work harder to build the relationship with the man. Some men, on the other hand, relax and think all is well and may fail to initiate sex at the beginning of a relationship. That takes them to the friend zone when a woman feels good being with them, but this type of logic doesn’t turn into an intimate relationship.

Let’s get back to James. After that night, his ex-girlfriend cooled down and didn’t even want to see him after a few days. Of course, in that situation, in addition to the pleasant date, there were many other pitfalls. If James removed them, he would have a better chance of getting his ex back. This example is very indicative of the fact that you shouldn’t make unambiguous conclusions with a woman based on what she said. It’s useful to look at her actions over the course of a day, as well as over some time.

Of course, it’s important to look at your relationship dynamics. For example, a woman may still not know what she wants, but you have a constant rapprochement, which is a good sign.

I recommend creating a strategy for getting closer and moving along. If you see the following indicators, then you’re on the right track:

Here is a sample list of the signs that I like:

1) You get closer both in terms of warming your communication and in the form of touches, kisses, and good sex.

2) Next, you have sex regularly.

3) She’s ready to meet and spend time with you quite often.

4) She gives you many compliments.

5) She doesn’t act contradictory towards you for a long time.

How to act to get an ex back when she puts out mixed signals?

Here is a step-by-step plan:

Step #1

Find out the exact reasons for her ambivalence. It’s often difficult for most men to understand what it can be.

Here’s an exercise to identify such reasons.

You should write down your last 10 quarrels while being together and the things that made her mad. Next, write out which of these quarrels have one or two main reasons. It often turns out that, for example, 8 out of 10 quarrels were because the woman wasn’t appreciated, and she talked about it in different ways.

The disadvantage of this exercise is that it doesn’t always reveal all the causes. For example, a woman may lose attraction to a man because he has become passive and has lost his attractive masculine traits. He’s no longer the leader in the partnership he gave his woman the upper hand and set her on a pedestal.

Nevertheless, in most cases, this exercise can help identify the main reasons for her leaving.

Sometimes, men tell me that they didn’t fight and everything was good. Then you can simply write down things she didn’t like about you. The more often she spoke about something, the more likely that is exactly what her unhappy about the relationship or you personally.

Step #2

Correction of the mistakes.

For example, if you’ve gained too much weight, then you need to lose it.

If you were too mean, you can work with a psychologist on your emotional state.

Step #3

Demonstrate the changes. The big mistake most men make is that they try to talk about the future instead of showing real changes. They say that they’ll change themselves in the future, that everything will be different, and so on. Most often, women don’t believe that. That is why I recommend demonstrating the transformations you’ve already gone through. In such a situation, a woman has grounds to believe that your future relationship will be better.

Step #4

Start getting closer to her after you’ve demonstrated your changes. Most likely, the rapprochement will be much easier in that case and mixed signals will decrease. If she continues to sway in her behavior, this means that you have not shown enough positive changes yet (or changed something that isn’t critically important to her). Therefore, you need to continue demonstrating the changes.

Step #5

When you notice the first positive signals, don’t relax but continue following the plan to reach the right goal, and not just tell her beautiful words.

Step #6

Once you get back together, it’s essential to put more effort to make your relationship more satisfying and maintain it at that level.

If you still have questions regarding this matter or your situation is unique and you want to receive feedback on it, let me know. I will be glad to answer you as soon as possible.